Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Three Faces of Me

I read somewhere that if psychiatric intake specialists aren't careful, they'll diagnose every Mormon they meet as being dangerously schizophrenic, if for no other reason than their forms don't have a box for "well, kinda odd".

It's because we believe in things like being able to see someone in the room that no one else can see. Ghost? Nah. But call him an "angel", well, yeah, sure, of course we believe in THOSE guys! Sheesh, far as we're concerned you probably couldn't swing a cat in Joseph Smith's house without hitting an angel; they're practically everywhere!

And we believe in hearing voices. More to the point, we really advocate the importance of doing what the voices tell us to do. Many's the hungry Latter-day chiquita who was undone because she thought she heard 'prompting' when it was really 'promptly'.

"Eat all that brownie batter! Do it now! Promptly!"

And there she is, stuffed to the gills with 20,000 calories of uncooked brownies, thinking she was acting on revelation.

Well, I don't know about the other six point whatever million Mormon women out there, but I for one have no problem distinguishing between the Spirit and my inner monologue. For starters, I'm pretty sure He's much nicer than the other voices clamoring for attention in my psyche.

Take my trip to Target the other day. Like the SAHM I am whose kids no longer SAH with her, I was alone. Yes, gloriously alone.

Just me. And those voices inside my head:

"Where should I park? I swear, it was easier to dock the Titanic than it is to park this beast."

"There's one, right next to that -- ouch -- yeah, that curb. Well executed, Mario."

"I should take some of this trash out of here; there's a can right there by the door."

"But wait. If we get out of the car with this McDonald's bag AND the Taco Bell cup, you can just bet we'll run into one of those fitness maniacs from across the street and then we'll feel obligated to explain about the guy with the gun who threw all this junk food junk at us and then ran off, somewhat lethargically, we thought - prob'ly all those fries - and left us holding, you know, the bag."

"Oh, good grief, DeNae, just take the trash. You can come up with a better story than that if it comes to it. And what's with the plural? We aren't WE at all. There's just one of me. Period."

"Whatever you say. Cart? Yes. Cart. In case I pick up a couch or a lawn mower or something, instead of the little wire rack I actually came here for."

"Remember the time we went to WalMart for milk and came away with a TV? What the heck were we thinking?? WalMart's milk is disgusting!"

"Oh, my. THAT is an unfortunate behind. I'm so sorry you got an extra helping of tushy, lady."

"But shouldn't that at least put to rest the whole 'to spandex or not to spandex' conundrum? Apparently not. 'Warning: Objects in mirror look like two Volkswagens trying to pass each other on a wobbly bridge.' HA! Type that up in vinyl letters and paint it on a decorative board!"

"Hee hee. Volkswagens."

"All right. That's enough. That was way too snarky. Like anyone is going to mistake you for Christie Brinkley any time soon."

"Oh, have you seen that commercial, where she says she was discovered for her smile? Pfffft. As if that gorgeous blonde hair and that super-model bod didn't help a little."

"Yeah, we believe CREST was the reason she landed Billy Joel."

"Hmmm. This skirt's actually kind of cute. Wonder if it's in my......whaddya know, I do believe this is a sign. Great color, in my size, length sufficient to keep my religion the closely guarded secret Mormons are notorious for keeping their religion..."

"Yep, that's us. Don't talk to us about our church. Uh-UH. Not gonna tell you nothin'."

"Sigh....I better put this back. I would look AMAZING in it, and honestly, I'm practically beating them off with a stick as it is."

"Yikes. Another humorous parent. Amber was right: These adults who 'talk' to their kids in public places loud enough to make it clear they're really trying to get a laugh out of the other shoppers are beyond annoying."

"Don't smile. You'll only encourage her."

"Bad news, kid. If this is what passes for entertainment in your house, you better hope your folks have cable."

"Wire racks. Wire racks....geez, they've totally rearranged this place. Everybody look for a sign that says 'Kitchen Crap, thataway'."

"Looks like the store was organized by a demented animal lover with a case of dire rear."

"How do you figure that?"

"Well, what other explanation could there be that the first thing you come to is the dog food, and the next is 64 aisles of toilet paper? Whatever happened to 'Bagged Candy'? They always used to keep 'Bagged Candy' right here, front and center, the way god intended."

"You're right. The whole world has gone insane."

"I'll tell you who's gone insane: Jennifer Love Hewlett. Hewitt. Whatever her name is."

"The one who wears size two jeans around the waist and sleeping bags from the hips down?"

"Talk about your unfortunate kiesters..."

"Steady...."

"So, how has she gone insane?"

"Well, not her so much, but that show of hers. It has gotten so stupid."

"Yeah, what's that business with her husband being able to possess that other guy? I mean, if the spirits could just hop into any available body, why didn't they go back into the one they came out of in the first place? Would certainly save ol' Melinda a lot of aggravation."

"Precisely my point. And don't even get me started on '24'."

"Have you ever wondered how Kiefer Sutherland orders lunch? I DON'T HAVE TIME TO ARGUE, MR. CASH REGISTER GUY! I SAID NO ONIONS AND I MEANT NO ONIONS!! WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN THE FIRST TIME?? NOW I HAVE TO THROTTLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN INTESTINES AND RAM YOUR SPLEEN DOWN YOUR THROAT AND MAKE DISPARAGING REMARKS ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, WHICH ADMITTEDLY WOULD TAKE A LOT LONGER THAN SIMPLY SCRAPING OFF THE ONIONS BUT
THAT AIN'T HOW I ROLL, NOW IS IT?"

"And then he blows up Australia!!"

"But the CELL PHONE survives! Hooray!"

"I hate to break up this little writers' convention, but I've found the wire racks, no thanks to the rest of you."

"Well done. Let's get outta here. I'm starving."

"You know what sounds good? One of those new Dove candy bars with the almonds in it."

"Oooo, yes. I think we need a couple. You know, one for the road."

"And a diet Coke. Gotta have me a big one of those. Look, they have fountain drinks up here."

"An excellent plan. Eating a Dove bar with a diet Coke is a full-on religious experience."

"Sublime."

"Inspired."

My thoughts exactly.

23 comments:

The Yates Family said...

The scary thing is dear, I totally picture me, I mean myself, wait, I mean YOU having this conversation with yourself in more than one instance. Thank you for writing what we all won't admit (besides our religion).

Kristina P. said...

Lifetime did a new 2008 remake of Sybil, which I watched last night, of course.

I don't know why I brought that up since that clearly has nothing to do with this post. Or does it?

Nichole said...

"DeNae, I am far too busy and mature to read this nonsense, let alone comment on it" I'll still know you

oh crap, i cut and pasted too much =D

you need a longer blog roll....add me ! you're definitely going on my blurk list.

freakin' hilarious

Lacy said...

so did you take the trash out of the car on your way into Target or not???

Debi (Dubs2007) said...

Denae, are your books as good as this blog?? can I order all of them right now?? I am lllooovvvinnngg your posts today - and would love a book.. are they written the same??

yeah and I'm with Lacy === Did you take the garbage in or not???

Hel said...

Brilliant. I particularly enjoyed the bitts that you commented on other's unfortunate body parts.

I am still trying to decide which one is the Holy Ghost. I like to think the one who found the parking spot. My mother in law always tells me that if you find a good parking spot, then you are going to have a good shopping day.

DeNae said...

Yes. I took the trash out! I can't stand knowing that leftover QP is sitting there in my car, getting warm and growing penicillin while I'm in the store shopping!

And I'm so sorry, Helen! I promised to mention your cute new blog on my next post, and I plum forgot! Everyone, click on Hel's name, which will link you to her original blog, and go from there to her new one about teaching toddlers the scriptures! It's adorable, and I know she would love your feedback!

Lisa Loo said...

I get way too amused at church when they tell you that you have to be "still" to hear the Holy Ghost. Seriously??! I can't get the voices to take turns let alone be still. Betty Davis has nothing on you babe!

Hel said...

You are too funny DeNae! No need to apologise... I honestly thought you had written the post before you promised me the world!

thanks for the comment plug :)

Melanie J said...

One of the deep pieces of wisdom I learned from my mother was that if there's a part of your body that jiggles, you should NOT wear anything shiny on it, including, possibly even ESPECIALLY, spandex.

Lara said...

All I know is that I went to Target yesterday all by myself, and it was heaven. Even if I had to listen to the voices in my head argue about whether or not the black croc heels on clearance should be added to my collection of black heels (they should) or if I should buy chocolate (I shouldn't) or why on earth I have to buy designer jeans if I expect them to be long enough for me...why can't Target just make size long? (Apparently, they can't...the voices in my head have no idea why.)

Oh, and your 24 commentary had me laughing very hard.

Devon said...

LOL, that was awesome. I'm sitting here trying to stifle my giggling so my son's night nurse in the next room doesn't think I'm a nutjob.

Amber said...

You crack me up! I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds in difficult to park their Yukon. And mine's not even the XL. I wish you'd have said hello when you saw me walking in front of you! Speaking of...I need to try out one of those Dove bars...

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I hate it when you have thoughts like that about someone's butt and then realize it's your own reflection in the store window. REALLY unfortunate.

shack said...

Hi DeNae, Greetings from Sydney, Australia.
I know you were joking when you wrote that you must be the oldest blogger in the business. However, you may like to read about the world's oldest columnist, who lives in Mesquite, Nevada.

Just click on http://tinyurl.com/ak2re3

Elise Noorda said...

You eat in your car???

Sher said...

All of my personalities just keep saying: MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE.

They all just use a different tone of voice!

Della Hill said...

Thank you so much.
I was really starting to worry about myself with the conversations that go on in my head.
(I won't share, they're just weird).
But I feel better now.
The laughing helped too.
-Della

brudcrew said...

I am so surprised that your neurosis only manifests itself three different ways! I've lost count of mine. :)

Jessica said...

I often have to "back up" and let someone know where a seemingly random comment came from. Kind of like a map in my head. I think in a million different directions and then what do you know, the most ridiculous part of the story comes out of my mouth. It all really made sense in the conversations in my head.

Gina said...

I don't know you, but my friend Sheri Blanchard tells me about you all the time because I'm her other Mormon friend. She told me about your blog and now I'm a devoted follower. I hope you don't mind a blog stalker commenting here, but your blog brightens my day. Another unexpected benefit is that I don't feel so crazy, just funny.
Gina Piet
ginajpiet@gmail.com

Hel said...

If it was "most likely to never get a life" I would be at the forefront, I'm afraid.

As yet I haven't been mentioned, so it must have something to do with everyone wanting your blog to be worshiped during the month of March.

I am sure you could almost start a new religion with all your followers, Mrs DeNae!

Qait said...

My husband and I laughed SO hard about the junk food junk...because we did the exact same thing just a couple days ago. We ate out and then had all this trash in the car and drove around until we could find a secluded dumpster to get rid of the evidence.
But even after all that evidence, when we got home, I discovered a Taco Bell cup in the backseat. Darn it! We were so close to looking perfect!


Oh yeah, and the volkswagen quote in vinyl on a board...HAH, I love it! Ah, it feels so good to be snarky.