Tuesday, February 10, 2009

No News is Fine With Me

"On this day in 1989, the World Wrestling Federation admitted in court that professional wrestling is an exhibition and not a sport."

Admitted it in COURT. I'm telling you, that was a dark day for closet tag-teamers like me. Crushing. I hung up my mask and my cape and my breakaway folding chairs for good that day. "The Piano-Nator" faded into the hallowed realms of legend, following the path trod by Mr. T, Captain America, and Sean Penn.

But reading this particular headline on my MSN sign-in page this morning brought me to once more ask the question, "What, exactly, qualifies as news?"

For example, this same page cautioned the world at large that Geminis like me might be feeling 'unusually amorous' today, and went on to suggest that if we didn't already have an equally....er.....motivated..... partner, the sheer magnetic energy of our June birthdays would suck in viable candidates like a veritable Black Hole o' Luv.

Honestly, I'm afraid to leave the house. I just don't have time for that many romantic encounters today.

My newspaper had a number of perplexing headlines in it as well.

"A-Rod Comes Clean About Juicing."

Being as sports-hip as I am, I can say with reasonable confidence that A-Rod is a race car driver.

...wait, hang on.....

....ahem. Being as sports-hip as I am AND having read the first sentence in the aforementioned article, I can say with reasonable confidence that A-Rod is a baseball player.

Why he needs to come clean about 'juicing' is rather beyond me, however. Aren't athletes all about good health? I would imagine he would be proud of his regimen, all that juice. For a time, we were juicing here at our house. Never felt better. Had loads of energy, looked good, could pick up the couch with one hand and vacuum under it with the other. When our little juicer finally gave out on account of our trying to juicify a pineapple, we were terribly disappointed.

Perhaps A-Rod was juicing unhealthy things, like pork chops? Still, why would this admission count as "news"? It is truly mystifying.

One story that has the media in a full-on tizzy is the birth of The Octuplets. It is always written that way, too. In caps.

The Octuplets.

I admit, I'm somewhat interested in this little item myself. Evidently, a woman recently gave birth to, you know, eight babies at once, which immediately prompted Anne Curry to warm up her "I'm not judging you, you crazy lunatic psycho" face to prep for her interview with The Mom.

For my part, I think this was the most brilliant act of parenting ever perpetrated.

Anyone who has experienced the joy of pregnancy and childbirth will tell you that about the same time your bellybutton goes flat your brain falls out.

Nature is pathologically determined, however, and insists that some reasonable facsimile of a brain occupy the space beneath that "new mom perm". So a second, admittedly less reliable but still semi-functional, brain slooooowly starts to grow back.

Now, you put enough years between babies, and you might have a nearly full-sized brain in your skull by the time your bellybutton goes flat again. And then - WHAM! - out falls the replacement brain.

And this gets more tragic with each subsequent baby, until the final replacement brain is basically a half pound of tofu.

BUT, if you have all your babies at once, like this Zen Master Mom of Eight did, then it's just one major falling-out followed by one long re-grow, and you're back in the business of completing sentences and remembering your middle name YEARS before the rest of us.

Pure genius.

So, I suppose news is whatever is happening in your own personal corner of the universe at any given time. I certainly wish A-Rod all the best with his little juicing problem - perhaps he might switch to concentrate? - and tip my hat to the smartest mother ever to single-handedly fill a hospital nursery, and even spare a moment of silence for the day the dreams of millions of little boys in Hulk Hogan Underoos were shattered by the ruthless hammer of justice.

And, given my current Gemini status, maybe I'll invite my husband out on a little 'date' tonight.

Wonder where I left my cape...


Lara said...

I had to ask my husband about the A-Rod deal. Why must he be called A-Rod, anyway? If he gets to be called A-Rod, I'm changing my name to L-Nev right away.

The Octuplets. Crazy stuff that. But you make an excellent point with the brain thing.

My question is, why, once we have a brain back, do we want to go about losing it again just so we can have another baby?

Lisa Loo said...

DeNae--I am much to mature to.......YOU KILL ME!! I am sooo glad to have found you! Are you sure A-Rod is a baseball player? He sounds like a rapper to me! Maybe he is the unknown father of The Octuplets and has to admit his addiction to juicing before he can announce his paternal involvement??!!

I think you should start your own newspaper and I would pay BIG BUCKS to subscribe!

Della Hill said...

I laughed out loud at this post (I tend to do that when reading your blog).
A-Rod is short for his real name which is Alex Rodriguez, and "juicing" refers to using performance enhancing drugs, aka; steroids, which are illegal in professional baseball.
Yet, while they are technically illegal, I have a hard time believing that those in authority in the baseball world really mind the steroids too much when it means that some dudes are hitting over 60 home runs a season.
I also have to agree with your theory about mom's brains turning to tofu after subsequent pregnancies.
Did you know that this Mom has 6 kids at home already? Which, according to your theory, explains how she possibly had little enough brain function to want to have 8 more, especially all at once.
And she's single too.
Definitely not thinking clearly.
Oh, and I'm still trying to convince my 14 year old that wrestling is not a sport.

Brooke said...

Hi there. B-Russ here.

I think Lisa Loo is on to something . . . I think the real story is that A-Rod (knows as D-Jus in the WWF) is a Gemini and got sucked into The Octuplet mom's Black Hole o' Luv.

(Oops, I hope that doesn't get me edited off this blog.)

David Handy said...

Hey mom, I'm headin out...be back in...a month or so...

Amber said...

A-Stu here. I'm going to have to make sure Hayden (and his dad) don't read this post. I don't think they could recover from knowing that WWF really isn't real.

My daughter...and my baby for that matter are both Geminis. Better tighten the leash.

Where is David going? Is he..? No, he's not a Gemini. He's a Cancer. What is that boy up to now? A HA HA HA!!! I just texted him and asked him where he was going and he let me know. I get it now. Too funny!

Hel said...

Pro Wrestling Name: Fancy Pants (assigned to me by my brother)

As a fellow Gemini living in Australia, I think my day of lovin' occurred yesterday. I am up for another one, though.

DeNae said...

Della, I did NOT know that this vertile woman already had six children at home. Goodness, don't you hate it when only half the cylinders are firing? I may have to borrow Anne Curry's face.

And B-Russ, your naughty pun stays. May God have mercy on your soul.

Melanie J said...

Any time I hear about The Octuplets' mom, my eye starts to twitch. This morning I read that she's already on food stamps for the 6 she already has, so how is going to a Beverly Hills fertility clinic? These and other burning questions are at far great risk of burning my my brain out, much less the idea of having more of my own kids.

I have two and the idea of another sort of makes me laugh. 8? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I'm going to cancel my CNN subscription and just read your blog. Everything else is just nonsense.

InkMom said...

I was going to comment but it's still too soon after the birth of my last child for my brain to have regenerated.

I-Poo signing out. (Maybe not. I should stick with InkMom.)

Hel said...

I wondered if in your news travels you had come across the whole Victorian fires. Terrible news, but we are far from them so far. Apparently they were deliberately lit.... naughty! And terrible carnage.

On a lighter note... any fires that were left smoldering here have been completely doused by the downpour of rain we had today.

Maybe I can create a "losers" Oscar prize... just for you. ;)

Jerry said...

Fourteen kids. The last 8 all have the same donor person. Shrunken brain hasn't decided if she wants him in their life just yet. I think(?) he also donated for the other six. It just goes to show shrinking brains is not gender driven. I always thought it just made your hand grow hair, but I guess it also shrinks the brain. (Don't tell mom I said that.) I'm sorry if I embarrassed you ladies. If you don't know what I'm talkng about, "don't ask, don't tell."
Love Dad

Mallory said...

I was trying to give myself a cool name, too, but my last name isn't cooperating. M-Tha? Hmmm....I could just stick with M-T, and that would be an accurate description of my post baby head. Yeah, my initials went downhill after I got married. When I'm with my husband, we are S&M. Lovely.

Becky said...

I don't think my replacement brain has been able to get back up to the right size yet. And it has been six years since my last one was born. Still, I am hoping it will keep growing...

Love this post.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Okay, DeNae, I wanted to send you an email, but I couldn't find an actual email address for you anywhere, so I'll just tell you here that you are one of my favorite blog friends, too. You are the best commenter, and always make me laugh, but with gallons of insight too. So thank you!

Christy said...

I have my bets that Donor Dad is Beverly Hills Fertility Doc.
C-Nut says Peace Out