Saturday, February 14, 2009

Feeling Sheepish

OK, Steph, I'll play!

I'm not a huge fan of any post that is essentially a Variation on the Theme of Whining. After my rather unsettling experience with the "Secrets" post I read a few weeks ago, I swore off reading anything even remotely negative.

But I've come to trust Steph at "Diapers and Divinity". Hers is one of the sanest, most uplifting voices in the blogosphere. So when she did one of these I was pretty sure it was a safe read. (It was. She's a kick.)

And then I started thinking about all the crazy things that have happened to me over the years, and finally thought, "What the heck, I can write a list like this without causing my readers to do anything desperate like join a boy band or marry Tom Cruise."

I would love to be able to claim that even ONE of these is a work of fiction. Sadly, I actually could have included a half-dozen more, like the time I left the nasty note on the crippled lady's car for parking in the handicapped space, or the time I peed SOMEONE ELSE'S pants, or the time I told the daughter of a member of the stake presidency that as far as I was concerned hooking was a more honorable way of earning a living than telephone soliciting, and she told her dad what I'd said because she thought it was soooo funny, or....

....well, you get the idea.

So, as a little post-Valentine gift wherein you can feel smugly superior to at least one person in the universe for a couple of minutes, I present you with my version of....

"Don't You Hate it When..."

1: You put laundry soap in the fabric softener dispenser?

2: You go so long between vacuuming sessions you actually forget what color your vacuum is?

3: You get so fat they have to use the jaws of life to get your wedding ring off?

4: You get this really awesome haircut, and after a week of flipping it under and looking fabulous, you experiment with flipping it out, and it doesn't look good at all, but you don't have time to fix it, and then you run into your hairdresser at Costco, and she's wearing a face that says, "You want an A-line?? You can't HANDLE the A-line!" ?

5: Your daughter decides it would be a good idea to melt her eyebrow wax in the microwave, and when she takes it out she drops it and eyebrow wax fuses to your microwave and stove and oven and white ceramic tile floor?

6: You spill broccoli-cheese soup all over the back of your van just as summer in the tropics is starting, so for the next six months your van smells like someone's feet farted and then barfed and then died?

7: In a totally understandable and never to be repeated moment of weakness you sort of give another driver the bird, and then on Sunday you discover you were just assigned to be her visiting teacher?

8: You are flying CheapWest Airlines and are forced to purchase your own in-flight meal, and you get this somewhat drippy burrito and a mega-grande diet Coke, and when you set them down on your seat so you can stuff your purse under the seat in front of you, you kinda dump the whole meal on the very smartly dressed stranger sitting next to you...

9: ...who, upon landing, immediately calls her friend and announces rather loudly and grumpily that she can't meet him at the conference like they'd planned because she now has to buy some new clothes first?

10: Your 13-year old son walks in on you plucking hairs out of your chin and wants to know what you're doing and why you're doing it and why you don't just shave like dad cuz it looks like you missed a few?

11: A different son takes one look at your hair on a frantic Sunday morning and says, "Um, so that's a hairstyle now, is it?"

12: The sadists at the McDonald's drive-up window hand you your change with the coins on TOP of the bills so that all the coins fall off the stack onto the driveway...

13: ...and when you open the door to retrieve them you scrape up your red Yukon on the stucco of the building...

14: ...and then you discover that the coins really didn't fall outside after all but slipped down your sleeve...

15: ...at which point you then lower your arm and the coins all fall out of your sleeve onto the driveway for real this time...

16: ...and you blurt out something biblical in your foghorn of a voice...

17: ...only to notice that the Primary President is inside the building at the counter and has been waving at you and calling out "Hello, Sister DeNae!" the whole time?

18: You tell the girls in your Mormon youth chorus that they absolutely MUST have nude hose for the concert, you simply will NOT let them on the stage without those nude hose, you've compared hose and the nude ones are far and away the best...

19: ....and you do this for three straight concert seasons before it finally occurs to you that you were basically ordering those girls to be escorted onto the stage by unclothed women of negotiable virtue?

20: You get a call from an 'unknown name, unknown number', and you KNOW it's those wretched food storage salesmen based out of Provo who have been pestering you all summer, so you press 'talk' and then 'end', effectively hanging up on them because they TOTALLY deserve it...

21: ...and they have the NERVE to call back, so you hang up on them again...

22: ...and they unbelievably call back AGAIN, so this time you answer in your "Boy, did you choose the WRONG housewife to try to sell food storage shelving to" voice...

23: ...and the caller, of course, is none other than your son's mission president?

24: You're at a family gathering and you remind them of the time you all were driving home from the airport at night and you ran over a sheep and it totally ripped up the transmission, remember that? wasn't that crazy?....remember?......the sheep?....wrecked the trans--....you know.....that time....

25: ....and you slowly begin to realize that this story, which you've been telling people for years, getting all sorts of mileage out of, enthralling dinner party audiences in three states and a US territory with, was actually something you dreamed?

Yeah, I hate that, too.

23 comments:

Hel said...

Don't you hate it when your blog friend does a post you couldn't possibly trump, so instead you reply with a lame comment and vow not to do that "Don't You Hate it Post" EVER!

*Don't you hate it when you notice the bottom of your child's feet getting black during the day and then realise that you haven't mopped the floors in like... four months.

Word verification - Shythin - two things I am not.

Casey said...

I still have no idea what color my vacuum is. That's sad.

I HATE it when they put the change on top of the bills, it's so infuriating. Great post!

The Yates Family said...

Oh, it's like I'm living your life!

Don't you hate it when the group in your children's choir that annoys you the most is the 7 and 8 year olds, and so God decides that's the calling you need in church - teaching the 7 and 8 year olds - and it happens to be the biggest class in the Primary! YIKES!

I saw that Hel put down her word verification, is this something you're interested in? Just in case, mine is a disease - redlyoph. Sounds contagious. :)

Loralee and the gang... said...

Oh my goodness. That's the funniest thing I have read ANYWHERE in a long long time. This is the first time I have read your blog, and for sure won't be the last! LOL LOL LOL!
:~D

Melanie J said...

Yeah, I'm sad to say the only reason I don't flip people off when I'm driving is I'm afraid I might run into them at church. So perhaps I need to grow as person. You're funny!

Lara said...

I'm just happy (thrilled to death, actually) that these things don't just happen to me. I really think I'm the only one sometimes.

Thanks for the great laugh!

Amber said...

OK, I know you already know just how amused I was by this post but in order to feed your habit, I'm commenting.

In all my 33 years on this earth I have never laughed until I cried. I've belly laughed, I've chuckled, I've "lol"ed. But until today, I've never cried because of laughing. I literally had tears rolling down my face.

I was trying to read it to Tavis (only because he asked me what was so dang funny) and when I read it the 2nd time I laughed even harder!

Oh how I love that 13 yo son. He cracks me up! And the other son has inherited that ever-so-awesome trait: sarcasm. And an SOS pad will usually get the wax off of, well, anything.

One of your best posts so far. Seriously, my stomach is aching now.

SCP said...

roostercrowsdon't you hate it when you flip off a guy when you're with your girl friend and then th person you flipped off pulls over into the parking lot you just went in and so you jump out of the car to get a baseball bat out of your friends mustang while PAUL BUNNION unfolding out of his BMW so you turn around and he says that you better be bad @#$#@! and that he dealt with much tougher guys than you'll ever be in prison so you try to demonstrate how BAD you are by doing things with the bat and then you drop the bat!!! my friend sure does.

Ken said...

I seem to remember another McDonald's incident involving a cashier, with the I.Q. of a house plant, and a hot fudge sundae. Thanks for the memories!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Ah, DeNae, you've outdone yourself! I love that your favorite family story was a dream! And thanks for your kind shout-out; I swear that being called "sane" is one of the finest compliments I could receive at this stage of life. You're fantastic.

elesa said...

Ha ha! Nude hose!!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh!!! I laughed so hard on this one, I actually cried!!!! (Dawnie)

lifeinthehighlands.com said...

Yeah, I just hate it when one of those things happen to me. Thankfully, none of them ever have.

lifeinthehighlands.com said...

And, I also hate it when I leave a comment, and THEN re-read it after I've hit publish, only to discover I made TWO mistakes.

Jessica said...

Hurray!! You are great and oh, so funny. I've done the is it a dream or not thing. Why must my dream life be so much more exciting than my real life.

Loralee and the gang... said...

Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my daughter's post...I am even 'following' your blog now-
My Shane and Jenni are my nephew and his wife...I get that a lot with some of my family and friend's blogs.
:~D

Shauna said...

I am new here! What a great blog :)

Anonymous said...

Funny you should talk about "Don't you hate it..." moments. I had one last night. My 5 yod asked me about boobs and I said, "you will get some when you are a teenager" and to be a good mom, I added, "but, don't let anyone touch them until after you are married." Then quick as can be, she asked, "So does Daddy get to touch yours?" She GOT me! Nevertheless, I must be a good mom and teach my children well so I responded, "Only if he asks nicely!"

Brooke said...

When my daughter is in YW, I'm moving to your ward just so you can be her Beehive advisor. Why can't the manuals teach such gospel truths as "'tis better to hook than be a phone solicitor"?

Hel said...

Is it wrong to leave two comments in the one post?

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for following my other blog. I feel like it is a legitimate blog now that you are following!

Mary said...

The laughing till it aches thing gets me everytime I read one of your posts. You really should write a weight-loss book since there has to be money in making people laugh off so many calories. I'm sure I'm thinner after reading your posts! Thanks!

Motherboard said...

The Nude Ho's and Food storage sales man... ahem... Mission President is the BEST!

Qait said...

So maybe my sense of humor is a little less refined, but I just laughed so hard at the farting feet part that I couldn't even get the words out when I was reading it to my husband! Very nearly cried from the giddiness of laughter. Such a good feeling.