Wednesday, February 18, 2009

An Epistle to the Roamin'(s)

A letter written to my children, at a time when I was supposed to be preparing an Institute class on Paul's Epistle to the Romans, and found that I could not keep my eyes open owing to the events of the previous night, alluded to in the following verses:

1. Beloved, blessed to be called children by the grace of God and our desire to never have more than twenty dollars at any one time ever again,

2. Greetings and salutations, from thy mother, bleary-eyed and not very amused to be awakened at this most ungodly of hours,

3. For doth not the clock read twelve-forty-three? Yea, it doth.

4. And didst I not dispatch thee to thy beds a mere two hours ago? Yea, I didst.

5. Wherefore, then, dost thou see fit to roam the halls of our house? Wherefore didst thou shake my shoulder, whispering "Mom, mom" in such manner as to merit thy mother's grumpiest of faces?

6. Thou sayest, "Jake barfed. All over."

7. And I search-ed the heavens for a sign that this wast nought but a vision, albeit a really cruddy one.

8. But, woe is me, most wretched of mothers!

9. For 'tis not a vision, nor a dream, nor even the workings of a mind plagu-ed by the consumption of chips and salsa after the hour of the fourth watch, which being interpreted means, 'bout nine-thirty.

10. Nay, but it is true. Thy brother hath indeed barf-ed.

11. Fetch him hither, and gettest thou a bunch of towels
12. And stoppest thy gagging already. 'Tis thine own fault that thou and thy brother and thy sister have all forsaken thy personal bedrooms in favor of sleeping in the same room as though thou wert pioneers or perhaps hillbillies,

13. For have I not said, yea, umpteen times, "Gettest thou thy room clean, yea, clearest all this garbage from off thy bed, and sleepest thou therein, like normal people do."

14. And hast thou not ignor-ed my counsel? Behold, I say unto you, yea, thou hast ignor-ed it like crazy.

15. Therefore, it is thine own fault that the aforementioned barf hath grac-ed thine own pillow. Dealest thou with it, and fetch me now thy brother.

16. Now, my son, wherefore hast thou dealt thusly with me? Yea, wherefore hast thou barf-ed all over thy sister's white carpet, and thy other sister's pillow, and thy first sister's copy of "Fox Trot"?

17. Art thou blind? Knowest thou not the path to the potty?

18. And whilst we art on the subject, what is the cause of this barfage? Hast thou contracted the flu? The pox of chickens? Art thou smoking again?

19. Nay, I perceive that it is none of these things. Thou hast barf-ed because thou wast a glutton at dinner.

20. Verily, I perceive, both by the workings of my olfactory glands and the vision of noodles amidst the barfage, that thou didst eat ramen and grape soda in gluttonous quantities.

21. Yea, I am persuaded that thou didst hog the grape soda for thyself. Didst thou leave any for the rest of us, hmm? Behold, I say unto you, nay.

22. Furthermore, I now see that there wast also much consumption of Doritos, yea verily, thou didst pretty much put away the whole bag.

23. Wicked, wicked son! Have I not said from the beginning that thy mother dost not travel the long road to Costco, facing the perils and travails of shopping in such a loony place, just so that thou canst consume every item purchased, including the jumbo packages of butter, within the first six hours of her returning home?

24. Yea. I have. Est.

25. And now, my roamin' son, thou hast receiv-ed the wages of thy transgression. Yea, in spades hast thou receivedst them. Thy wages, I mean. Of, thou knowest, thy transgression. Oh, for heaven's sake, just re-readest it already.

26. Thy mother sorrowest that thy gluttony hast caus-ed thee to upswallow, yea, to spew, yea, to hurl, to vomit, to basically befoul the entire upstairs and seriously frost thy sisters, who seem now unable to refrain from retching despite dire warnings from me, their mother, that if they, too, vomit, I will bring down wrath upon their brows such as to make Sodom and Gomorrah look like a fairly pleasant place to settle down and raise a family.

27. I kid thee not.

28. Therefore, repent ye, my son. Forsake thy hoggish ways. Yea, let thy belly be fill-ed with saltines and Pepto Bismol, and never more return to the greedy piggishness that hast brought you to this darkened hall at this ridiculous hour.

29. Yea, remember, remember my son, that moderation is a virtue, that a little goeth a long way when it cometh to Doritos, and that ramen doeth gruesome things to vacuum cleaners.

30. And above all, my beloved children, remember,

31. That grape soda wast for all of us.


Kristina P. said...

Is this in Matthew?

Love it!

Sher said...

That. Is. Hilarious!
Can I copy this, and send it to my kids?

Lara said...

Laughing too hard. Must not barf myself. Thank goodness I didn't drink any grape soda today.

InkMom said...

I seekest to make my blog like unto thine. Thou art the holiest of bloggers and though the days pass away as sands through the hour glass, these are the days of mine life I shalt never approach the awesomeness of thine blog.

Thank you so much for doing this. It's awesome.

tammy said...

You are hilarious!

R Max said...

Thy bloggereth with great skill. Canst thou not refrain from making mine eyes watereth with hilarity-eth?

Since you included a HG2G phrase in vs. 27, am I to assume this is Vogon poetry? Should I now gnaw my leg off or run screaming from the room?

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Oh my gosh DeNae. Thou slayest me. Thou art freakin' brilliant. :)

linds said...

Oh, art thou serious? Mine son consum-ed the poo out of his own diaper two days past. The stank-eth caused me to barf-eth. Ewwww....eth.

bkroppin said...

Scripture?! This is why I visit your blog, because only you can describe vomit in such a full array of scriptural detail to make me think that I was actually reading from the BOM, yet laughing so hard that I'm crying! You make my day!

DeNae said...

Oh, R Max, I put v. 27 in there just for you! I knew you wouldn't miss that reference! (Yes, Amber, it's another 'Hitchhiker' reference. Don't hate me.)

Melanie J said...

Uh...yeah, this was all the grape soda's fault. Eeyew. Now strawberry soda, that might be worth the puke.



MommyJ said...

This one might be the best ever... truly, truly hilarious. said...

Too funny. Although I might not ever be able to eat/drink ramen, doritos, or grape soda again. Think of all the junk food calories you just saved me.

Mallory said...

Way funny. Again. How do you do it!?

Jessica said...

That is scripture that I can stay awake reading.

elesa said...

I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair. Thank you so very much.

Brooke said...

I'm printing this out to use as my Visiting Teaching message this month!

Amber said...

Oh. My. Heck. (I love saying that. For one thing I know it bugs you and for another it shows just how much I am from Utah.) Where to start? "'bout nine-thirty" funny. Glad to hear Jake's not smoking again. Lol...however, I have to wonder if that might be a healthier option than eating giant containers of butter. Oh funny. And as if Ramen doesn't smell bad enough going down. I can only imagine the befoulment that has plagued your upstairs! Ew. And I can only imagine that daughter #2 took it all so well. She doesn't "roll" with stuff too well.
So, just when I didn't think you could improve upon your last post (still LMAO), you go and do this one. Too, too funny!

Della Hill said...

You rock.

Debi (Dubs2007) said...

Yes, you should have been included in the old testament - it would have been one book all mothers had memorized... thanks for the night we all can empathize with... Why is it they always seem to throw up after eating beets or grape juice?

Mary said...

You are seriously an inspiration. Oh that I could come up with something "similar" to use in a zone conference or something! I think I might make this a glue-in for something to read when 3 hours in a foreign language is making me want to scream!

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

Those days of barfing disciples are gone from our humble abode but you evoked the memories. Oh, the memories. (Holding my head in my hands.)

Nagi said...

Wow. That was full of hilarious. Thanks for sharing!

Qait said...

:) I shared this with my sisters and husband.
It made me laugh aloud! (I rarely do while reading)

Ness said...

That last comment by Jenelle was actually by me. She left herself signed in on my computer :P Anyways, YOU ARE SO FREAKIN FUNNY! I totally remember that heinous night. At the time, it was definitely NOT funny. Now, however, I can laugh and laugh, and not gag. :)