Monday, January 26, 2009

Film at Eleven...

My son thinks I'm a dud.

He doesn't say it, not in so many words. But he isn't one to use many words to begin with. I just know that, given our very different views of the world, he would have no choice but to think of me as a full-fledged, head-in-the-sand, current events embarrassment. The Queen of Denial, so to speak.

So, in an effort to build bridges with my Poli-Sci first born, and to prove, once and for all, that I do occasionally look up from my computer, I thought I would write up a little report on the happenings in the big, wide, wonderful world of reality.

Of course, the big news this week....hang on....what day is it? Monday? Already? I suppose that explains all that religious stuff yesterday...

OK, the big news of LAST week was the swearing in of now-President Barack "not Saddam, the other one" Obama. What an inspiring spectacle. The high point, of course, was the actual Taking of the Oath, as administered by Supreme Court Chief Justice John "Cue card, please" Roberts. There was a moment when the wording of the oath was called into question, as both men, who have a combined IQ equal to the GDP of Brunei, could not remember where to say, "do solemnly swear", and for a time appeared instead to have married one another.

Experts in Constitutional Law were immediately contacted, who, after poring over historical documents and scrupulously reviewing the tapes, concluded that the President-elect was in fact reciting the lyrics to Madonna's "Like a Virgin". Mr. Obama reportedly re-took the oath in the privacy of the Oval Office, this time making sure to get the words exactly right. Rumors that Justice Roberts administered the do-over in Pig Latin were later disproved.

In related news, investigation into Mr. Obama's eligibility for the highest office on the planet continues. While most insiders hold to the claim that he was born in Hawaii, see, the papers are right here, a little sticky from the pineapple juice but otherwise perfectly legit, there remain a few vocal skeptics who are pretty darn sure he was pulled from a river in Egypt and raised by Pharaoh's daughter.

Mr. Obama did nothing to diminish this perception, when, on Inauguration Day, he parted the Potomac and walked across it on dry ground. And when his staff turned into a snake and ate Aretha Franklin's hat, there was not a dry eye in the house.

The celebration was marked by musical performances by Yo-Yo Ma, Jump-Rope Strabinski, and Hoppy-Taw McGee.

In international news, piracy in Somalia has reached alarming rates. However, when further investigation revealed that neither Johnny Depp nor Orlando Bloom were involved, this reporter immediately lost interest.

War continues in the middle east. According to sources deeply imbedded in super-secret Mossad strike teams, a great deal of sand is involved. Reports of "really loud noises" could not be confirmed on account of no one being able to hear over the top of the.....um.....OK, I guess we'll call those reports "confirmed" after all.

According to contributors to this reporter's blog, and despite everything "Eeyore" Gore says to the contrary, the earth continues to have weather. It's 40 degrees in Australia, which inexplicably means "hot" down there, and 30 degrees in Utah, which means "so damn much snow I swear if I get my hands on Mark Eubanks Jr. or whatever his name is I'm going to throttle the stuffin' clean outta him." It's 60 degrees in Las Vegas, where stricken residents have been forced to wear socks with their flip-flops and are giving serious thought to "putting on a sweater".

And that's everything that is happening in the whole entire world. Honestly, I don't know why newspapers are so fat. But, David, no more sass from your internal monologue. I think this proves once and for all that your mother is up-to-the-minute on the newsworthy events of 2008...

...whaddya mean, it's 2009 already?

15 comments:

Brooke said...

When people look at me funny today because I'm laughing out loud for no apparent reason, it's going to be your fault.

I'll probably still be visualizing the Obamanator taking the Oath of Madonna. Or raising his staff and shouting, "Let my people go!"

NatureGirl said...

Oh my heck, I am dying. Ditto on what Brooke said! HA HA HA

Amber said...

YES! Thank you! I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one who noticed we just swore in a president whose middle name is "Hussein" and whose last name rymes with the most hated man in the world. And what WAS that freaking swearing-in situation? A freakin' joke, that's what.

And you are so spot-on about the weather here in Utah. (Btw, it's KEVIN Eubanks) I hope nobody down there catches the sniffles. Sheesh.

Life in the Highlands said...

I think your son meant that you are a Milk Dud, as in the candy of chocolaty goodness. (It's a compliment.)

And are you sure it is 2009 already? Because I remember when Prince sang "party like it's 1999," and 1999 seemed quite far into the future.

Brooke said...

Hey, for ease of potential future communication (or if you just have the urge to spam someone, but don't want to take it out on distant relatives), here's my email address: yilankale at gmail dot com.

And feel free to link to me. More blog readers = less pressure for me to succumb to the nefarious Facebook dominion.

brudcrew said...

Your political expertise souds about on par with mine! Love the sarcasm.

linds said...

Yeah, I laughed SO hard when Obama screwed up the oath...I'm blaming him 'cause I don't like him...and I think that whenever I see him now, I'll imagine him carrying a staff..

Julie Holt said...

Maybe your expertise could be the premise for a news talk show? Your "innocence" is inspiring and shows the wisdom of a couple of years over your son.

Remember when you COULD react to daily events...well, daily? Who has the energy for that now? I am too busy cleaning crusty pee off the toilet (how long has that been there?) or completing science fair projects until 2:00 in the morning to get caught up with current events...well, currently. The best I can do is Fox News mumbling in the background of a fight over who hit who first. But (as you have shown) I am still paying attention - just not reacting to the news of Branjelina's relationship status or the color of Michelle Obama's dress - newsworthy news, for sure. No dud here, just not my season for social awareness with commentary.

How did I do DeNae? Imitation is the highest form of flattery, right? Critique me! Ha!

DeNae said...

Julie, you're brilliant. You can be my co-anchor on my "No News Is Fine With Me" broadcast!

R Max said...

You should get paid money for this stuff...

Oh to see Aretha's hat eaten by a snake! Perfect!

Comfy Cozy Ovard's said...

hysterical! now you have to write on having type those stupid words in word verifcation just to leave a comment. who picks those words.....SHEESH!

R Max said...

I just came back to say that I love Terry Pratchett too.

That's all... go back to what you were doing... don't mind me.

bkroppin said...

Thanks so much for the laughs! I'm kinda new to blogging, so I've been trying to "follow" a few, you know, to learn some tips and ettiquite. I too thought I was doing very well just to have a blog! Turns out, I have no idea what I'm doing at all. Not to mention my terror at the thought of Facebook! Thank goodness I've never been asked to be in the fan club of the prophet! The indecision alone over what to do would send me right over the edge!

Anyway, I'm going to "follow" this. Thanks for being so real!
Beka
bekasbasement.blogspot.com

Della Hill said...

Hiya-I wanted to stop by after you left a great comment on my blog, and I'm so glad I did.
I was laughing out loud at this post.
You really have a clever and witty way with words.
I'll be back.
-Della

Lesia said...

Your blog is just an Obamanation! hehe! I have been waiting to use that in a sentence and my second graders just don't think it is funny. Go figure, most of them aren't even old enough to choose their eternal fate through baptism! Love your blog! Of course, you know you are preachin' to the choir!
Lesia