My son thinks I'm a dud.
He doesn't say it, not in so many words. But he isn't one to use many words to begin with. I just know that, given our very different views of the world, he would have no choice but to think of me as a full-fledged, head-in-the-sand, current events embarrassment. The Queen of Denial, so to speak.
So, in an effort to build bridges with my Poli-Sci first born, and to prove, once and for all, that I do occasionally look up from my computer, I thought I would write up a little report on the happenings in the big, wide, wonderful world of reality.
Of course, the big news this week....hang on....what day is it? Monday? Already? I suppose that explains all that religious stuff yesterday...
OK, the big news of LAST week was the swearing in of now-President Barack "not Saddam, the other one" Obama. What an inspiring spectacle. The high point, of course, was the actual Taking of the Oath, as administered by Supreme Court Chief Justice John "Cue card, please" Roberts. There was a moment when the wording of the oath was called into question, as both men, who have a combined IQ equal to the GDP of Brunei, could not remember where to say, "do solemnly swear", and for a time appeared instead to have married one another.
Experts in Constitutional Law were immediately contacted, who, after poring over historical documents and scrupulously reviewing the tapes, concluded that the President-elect was in fact reciting the lyrics to Madonna's "Like a Virgin". Mr. Obama reportedly re-took the oath in the privacy of the Oval Office, this time making sure to get the words exactly right. Rumors that Justice Roberts administered the do-over in Pig Latin were later disproved.
In related news, investigation into Mr. Obama's eligibility for the highest office on the planet continues. While most insiders hold to the claim that he was born in Hawaii, see, the papers are right here, a little sticky from the pineapple juice but otherwise perfectly legit, there remain a few vocal skeptics who are pretty darn sure he was pulled from a river in Egypt and raised by Pharaoh's daughter.
Mr. Obama did nothing to diminish this perception, when, on Inauguration Day, he parted the Potomac and walked across it on dry ground. And when his staff turned into a snake and ate Aretha Franklin's hat, there was not a dry eye in the house.
The celebration was marked by musical performances by Yo-Yo Ma, Jump-Rope Strabinski, and Hoppy-Taw McGee.
In international news, piracy in Somalia has reached alarming rates. However, when further investigation revealed that neither Johnny Depp nor Orlando Bloom were involved, this reporter immediately lost interest.
War continues in the middle east. According to sources deeply imbedded in super-secret Mossad strike teams, a great deal of sand is involved. Reports of "really loud noises" could not be confirmed on account of no one being able to hear over the top of the.....um.....OK, I guess we'll call those reports "confirmed" after all.
According to contributors to this reporter's blog, and despite everything "Eeyore" Gore says to the contrary, the earth continues to have weather. It's 40 degrees in Australia, which inexplicably means "hot" down there, and 30 degrees in Utah, which means "so damn much snow I swear if I get my hands on Mark Eubanks Jr. or whatever his name is I'm going to throttle the stuffin' clean outta him." It's 60 degrees in Las Vegas, where stricken residents have been forced to wear socks with their flip-flops and are giving serious thought to "putting on a sweater".
And that's everything that is happening in the whole entire world. Honestly, I don't know why newspapers are so fat. But, David, no more sass from your internal monologue. I think this proves once and for all that your mother is up-to-the-minute on the newsworthy events of 2008...
...whaddya mean, it's 2009 already?