Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Entrance Exam

So, now that you've seen how I came to be the "Backordered Life" gal (see "Beginnings"), here's a chance to get to know me better! After all, we enjoy these sites because they're a great way to find people we can relate to, or who might understand us, or who clearly are as bored and understimulated as we are. Just take this little quiz, and see for yourself just how much you have in common with me and my rental life (*answers are below):

1) If my house were on fire, what would I save and in what order?

a: My big black piano; my medium gold dog; my small brown Diet Coke.

b: My receipt from "Discount Fire Extinguishers, Inc."; my cell phone with the "Discount Fire Extinguishers, Inc." complaint department on speed dial; my large Diet Coke.

c: My snapshot of John O'Hurley and me from when I got to go up on stage during "Spamalot" because the Holy Grail was actually IN MY SEAT and I got a Monty Python foot statue and the whole cast sang this wacky Monty Pythony song and it was quite possibly my finest moment on stage which is really saying something when you consider my performance as 'Bloody Mary' when I was 16 received rave reviews both from 'The Green Sheet' and my Aunt Helen;.....ummm, what was I saying?

2) Every so often, I have a dream where two amazing things have happened. What are they?

a: I've been proposed to by Matthew McConnoheyyy-baby, and I've been given an honorary degree from the Barbazon School of Modeling.

b: I've put on a bathing suit, and Greenpeace has not yet sent a crisis team to haul me back into deeper waters.

c: My hair is very long and red like the old "Crissy" doll whose hair would grow just by pushing a button in her back, and I am doing the splits while my gymnast / cheerleader cousins watch in back-bending envy.

d: I've received a text message from my daughter in which she is not complaining about her loathsome chemistry teacher, and the message has been properly spelled and punctuated.

3) I've known my husband since we were kids, although technically he wasn't my husband for all of that time. What have been significant "befores" and "afters" in his life during our 23 years together?

a: Before: No money, no wife, no kids, no problems. After: No money.

b: Before: Accountant, counting beans (and cows, and days until retirement or a meteor taking out the building and bringing sweet relief to all the drones inside). After: Senor Federale, arresting Puerto Rican drug dealers using missionary spanish, spoken very loudly.

c: Before: Hair. After: Wife, kids, Puerto Rican drug dealers...

4) My kids...

a: ...are trying to kill me by staying up until 2 a.m. with every light in the house blazing, which of course they can do because they nap for three hours every afternoon while I attempt to teach music lessons through glazed eyes and a Diet Coke-induced buzz.

b: ...spent most of their childhood believing we had the most negligent, thoughtless tooth fairy in the business, as she never arrived on time and often left the money with dad and forgot to retrieve the tooth entirely.

c: ...took the truth about the tooth fairy remarkably well, considering we finally told them the dog ate her.

So, how did you do? Are we practically twins?? Well, watch this space for my next posting, "Better Homes and Other Desert Islands", where I'll share my years of domestic experience, and offer useful household tips on everything from Pine Sol perfume (for those days when you intend to mop the floors and instead improve your personal best in Spider Solitaire) to cleaning up after insurance fires. I'm looking forward to getting to know you! Stay tuned!

(*The answer to every question is "Blowing in the Wind")


Amber said...

So funny! I did really well! I KNEW the dream one was that you could do the splits! Oh and you can also use Pine Sol as bubble bath...just ask Scott! A ha ha ha!

Ricky said...

Oh my gosh... Lauren and I are sitting in our KC Lecture Series Class reading this instead of paying attention... I had to hold back tears and prevent myself from spontaneously bursting out in laughter...

also... did you like... light something on fire?

Lauren said...

Ricky wasn't joking. We are sitting with Sarah Waggoner in a lecture entitled "Southern Cyborgs: Posthuman Identity in Latin America." I have no idea what is going on. Anyway, we showed Sarah this and she started laughing hysterically too.

Definitely better than Argentinian cyborgs.

The Yates Family said...

Oh my gosh! I needed this so badly after the week I've had. Seriously, you and Ken Craig are keeping us afloat!

brudcrew said...

What happened to rescuing the FUDGE from the fire??!!!

Lisa said...

EXCELLENT point brudcrew! I knew that about her way back in high school!

DeNae said...

Well, Lisa and Brooke, surely you must know that the fudge was the reason the house was on fire to begin with! While eating the fudge straight out of the pan (thereby avoiding having to share or even notify anyone that there had ever BEEN fudge) I failed to notice my Weight Watcher's Points Planner committing skinny-cide by flinging itself on the still-hot stove. Quickly, the flames shot up the paper blinds we hung up six years ago "just until we order the shutters", and before you could guess Oprah's dress size, the entire kitchen was ablaze. The fudge, however, made it out safely - in my mouth.

Amber said...

BA HA HA HA! Too funny!

brudcrew said...

Denae, you simply must post your fudge commentary you sent out for Christmas the one year! If by chance you don't have it, I saved it in my "read when I need a good laugh" file. I still laugh every time!

DeNae said...

Oh, I'll be posting the Fudgey Advent Calendar, starting Thanksgiving weekend! There will be a new post every day, celebrating the miraculous powers of fudge. So watch this space! (I can't believe you kept that, Brooke! You're such a kick!!)

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

Oh, yes. Funny, funny, funny. Glad I followed the link. I never thought to tell the kids the dog ate the tooth fairy. They would leave large notes in the hall, reminding "her" there were teeth under the pillows. She couldn't read, obviously.